“For many delegates, THIMUN is the highlight of their year; the week when their passion and interest can come together to create an explosion of clauses, points of information, and powerful speeches” … and semen. On faces, on the walls of toilet cubicles, in parks and on play equipment and just generally all over the place. But, as we have consistently said, only have safe sex.* Ms McDougall highlighted the problem of when this ample supply of (generally) attractive and well dressed young people dissipates. Having left the THIMUN meat market people begin to feel empty and insignificant. Doubts creep back in.
In the words of one delegate overheard at the final dance: “Will anyone ever think I’m pretty ever again, I mean, I like to MUN!?” No, because you’re not pretty, smart or rich.
This, as we all know, is called “PTD - Post THIMUN Depression.” It affects us all, even this blog. Although not really, because feelings are for the weak. Or, in the words of Bring Me The Horizon: “We will never sleep, ‘cause sleep is for the weak. And we will never rest, ‘til we’re all fucking dead.”** Although to quote another one of the same band’s songs: “It’s not a party if it happens every night.” Clearly they are conflicted. If you only have really intense bouts of fun all the time, can it still be fun? Can you over-fun yourself?
Yes. Yes, you can. Realising that you can have too much of a good thing is the secret to overcoming PTD. You might not see it but your real life is just as rewarding as THIMUN, if not more. And it’s your real life that will count in the long run. A week of THIMUN once a year is almost certainly sufficient. In other words, it’s time to move on.
It’s time to move on for us too. We wanted to use this post, our final post, to answer some more of your questions and resolve some of the issues we raised during the conference. Questions first. As always, quoted in full, submitted anonymously and then we respond.
Message
“THIMUNDANE will you be recruting next year?!”
Our response
This assumes that we’ll be back at THIMUN next year, which we might or might not be. If we did make a return next year it’s unlikely that we would recruit anyone new. To quote from ‘Fight Club’, our favourite movie (and one of our favourite books, authored by Chuck Palahniuk): “You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.” How do we know you have something we want? Plus, can you imagine how difficult having a legitimate recruitment drive for this blog would be? It would be mental, and unmanageable. Thank you for what we presume is an offer, but no thank you.
Message
“Hottest delegation? Hottest chair?”
Our response
We’ve hinted at answers to these questions in previous posts but we’ll restate our answers for clarity. For delegations we suggest it’s close between the Lebanese and French delegations but the Lebanese delegation must win because Irish accents are hot. Our information also suggests it’s close for hottest chair; either the blonde girl chairing Human Rights Commission 1 or the PGA. We give it to the PGA because her hair is so nice. And her composure in the face of almost continuous ridiculousness strikes us as her having a rare charisma.
Message
“the most legend momment of THIMUN 2012 and the most epic fail, according to THIMUNDANE!!”
Our response
Clearly the most legend moment was dancing in the hallways to the band after the closing ceremony. Those guys were awesome. A close second is the proposal to the PGA.
Obviously we’ve dedicated plenty of this blog to what we would call ‘epic fails’ but if we were to nominate an overall winner this also comes down to a tie. A three-way tie. The first candidate is the GA1 delegate who proposed an amendment to a resolution on combating organised crime in the Mediterranean. Problem being that the amendment proposed to force Israel to move back to the borders it had before the Six Day War in 1967. That just does not make sense.
The second candidate is the delegate for Israel in Disarmament Sub-commission 1 who, seizing the opportunity to abuse an open mic, sung (we believe) a rendition of ‘Run The World (Girls)’ by Beyonce but using the words ‘Who Runs The World (Jews)’. That is just fucked. We’re just not convinced that anti-Semitic humor is ever going to be acceptable, especially not at a conference imitating the work of an organization set up to ensure that crimes like the Holocaust and the Second World War would never recur.
The third candidate also sits in Disarmament Sub-commission 1. This time, though, it’s the Chair of that sub-commission who didn’t know that India and Pakistan were not signatories to the Non-Proliferation Treaty. Seriously, if you want delegates to respect you you’re going to need some basic knowledge about the issues before your committee. Chairs should be properly trained in the rules of procedure as well. Shit. Isn’t that obvious?
Message
“do you guys have anything from disarmament? specifically dc2, but the chairs in dc1 don’t deserve to be left without mention… it would be fantastic :)”
Our response
Well, we’ve already made a comment about (one of) the Chairs in DC1. Our information suggests that, contrarily to DC1, the Chairs in DC2 were pretty good. And not bad looking.
Message
“Earlier, the author of this blog mentioned how the DPRK would agree with the USA:”As an earlier quote published on this blog demonstrates,at least one delegate thinks that the DPRK would agree with America. On anything. That is just not the case.” As the delegate who was the one that said the afore mentioned quote (Sovereignty? Who cares! The USA knows best!), she said it with SARCASM, and thre author has pulled the words from their context. Ask any delegate.”
Our response
We realize that sarcasm doesn’t come across quite so well in text but we were being sarcastic too. We’re terribly sorry if we hurt your feelings. Sort of. Sort of not really.
Message
“Hey guys we were wondering, who are you, can we meet up?? of course next thimun!!! :) Meet me in Madness/Monet at 9:30 next year at the door say hi my name is Winston! Can’t wait!!”
Our response
Hopefully publishing this will ensure that you meet plenty of nice people claiming to be ‘Winston’ at THIMUN next year. Alternatively, we’re slightly concerned by this message because when we went to Madness there was a huge Turkish guy on the door and we’re sort of concerned that you’re him. And that you want to lock us up in some kind of weird sex dungeon where you and your mate ‘Ali the Ottoman’ will perform weird sex acts on each other in front of us. That’s not our scene.
That’s the last of the questions we will answer.
Since THIMUN has concluded, we were disturbed to learn that several Greenpeace leaders had been assassinated in the Philippines.* The Guardian will try and tell you they’re not Greenpeace but they definitely are. They were living on Jono Island which is covered in forests and so they must be Greenpeace, because Greenpeace love forests. Guess they might not need that €15,000 after all.
We were also disturbed, although also somewhat chuffed, to learn that Munity journalists had been reading this blog during the conference. While we take nothing back, and maintain that you are the mouthpiece of the Saudi royal family and owned by a corrupt oligarchy, we hope you enjoyed the blog and your tenure as Munity journalists. We certainly enjoyed reading your stories, but mostly we enjoyed parodying them.
Remember: THIMUN is about sex. Safe sex. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have some after you’ve gone home. And for fuck’s sake don’t wear tights as pants.***** And please, during the break between THIMUNs, learn some stuff about the real world. Great sites include:
1. www.un.org - guess what that’s about.
2. www.crisisgroup.org - “The International Crisis Group is an independent, non-profit, non-governmental organisation committed to preventing and resolving deadly conflict.” They provide reports on all the world’s conflicts.
3. www.stratfor.com - this group “[p]rovides strategic intelligence on global business, economic, security and geopolitical affairs.”
4. www.foreignaffairs.com - this is a “[j]ournal of global current events, foreign policy, and international relations published by the Council on Foreign Relations.”
There are also heaps of excellent blogs about, like this one: www.registan.net
Now go! Reproduce. Relearn. And always recycle, prove to yourself you really do give two fucks about something and maybe that something could be the environment.
“Here rests THIMUNdane. It was a blog. They tried to bring lols.”
* See here: http://www.nhs.uk/worthtalkingabout/Pages/sex-worth-talking-about.aspx
** Video here. Don’t watch if you don’t enjoy screamo/hardcore/metalcore/whatever you call this shit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kynUSL8fr_4
*** Song without video here. Same warning as above: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H5NW7VPp0Q&feature=related
**** http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/feb/02/most-wanted-terrorist-killed-philippines?INTCMP=SRCH
***** See: www.tightsarenotpants.com
AnonymousFair question.
1. Because we get to choose which questions to answer. Some that we haven’t answered we’ll leave because we feel they are similar to earlier questions that were answered. Some don’t make much sense. Some we think are boring.
2. Time constraints. We’re planning some travel at the moment, and otherwise have lives that require living. Also, it takes time to write a decent answer. And since you’re getting one to this question, and even though your previous question was submitted anonymously, we’re going to do to our best to make sure it is never answered. Cue tragic piano music.
3. Reliable reporting? Cool your jets, tiger. We never claimed to be reliable at reporting. What kind of reliable news service would claim that a Munity raffle was designed to rake in funds for eco-terrorists responsible for 9/11? That’s some conspiracy theory bullshit right there. We’re here for the lols. Not reliable reporting.
Message
“Why haven’t you put the video of the guy who proposed the PGA? He’s the LEGEND of THIMUN 2012!”
Our response
Here’s the video. It encompasses some of the best and worst MUNing ever. The proposal is hilarious, that takes courage. However, the delegate for Monaco appears to have plagarised some of his remarks from an earlier THIMUN delegate* and uses tired movie clichés** and terrible song lyrics. Overall though, proposing to the President of the General Assembly, while speaking in the General Assembly, definitely puts this guy in contention for best delegate at THIMUN 2012. Sort of.
* See one of the delegates from Chad, THIMUN 2006: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPIqWErcHdM. The words up until about 1.50 are similar, but the country description of Chad is substituted for that of Monaco. However, both do speak to a theme commonly used at THIMUN to knock down resolutions: the language is too ‘complicated’.
** What’s a cliché?: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cliche
Message
“describe the ones from GA3 and GA1”
Our response
We’ll do our best. Here is a video from GA3 and this guy has got it going on. We’re also informed there was a handsome blonde gentleman, but that he had straight hair not curly. Apparently the curly haired guy was no good. Our information suggests all of the girls in Admin in GA3 were pretty.
In GA1 we’re told that the Admin staff were very flirty with delegates, and also that they weren’t bad looking. Some of the note passers were also considered to be worth looking at, the girls mostly. There was one in particular, who we are told was “Mediterranean-looking” who wore eye-catching tight skirts every day. One delegate was overheard to exclaim: “If any of the note passers had time free, I’d free them from their underpants.”
We can also comment that in GA6 there were several hot note passers. In particular a girl who wore a purple skirt. Apparently reluctant to give her name out to any would be dates, this girl may have been the girl with no name but she definitely had an arse that you couldn’t help but pay attention to.
“Insert a further lame quote here.” Keeping our promise to continue to answer your questions, here are some further questions we have received. They will be quoted in full and we will respond. These messages were all submitted anonymously.
Message
“Are you faking Gossip Girl? It is very cowardly of you to state all the “flaws” of the delegations anonymously, who are you and what makes you the expert? There are lots of strong debaters in the delegations that you have criticised, it is rather vague to generalize everyone into one category. Do you take pleasure in hiding behind your computer?”
Our response
We think the word you’re looking for is ‘parody’.* No, we’re not attempting to parody Gossip Girl. We think it is a shit show and while we haven’t watched very many episodes, can we point out two important distinctions:
1. We have been open with the fact that this blog is a joke. If you think it is a joke made in bad taste, you are entitled to your view.
2. Unlike ‘Gossip Girl’, we have attempted to avoid targeting specific individuals with vicious personal attacks. This blog is written in a completely different spirit to the commentary of the anonymous protagonist in ‘Gossip Girl’. Where we have quoted specific individuals we have used fake names. We have also said nice things about people on this blog. A couple of times, anyway.
We never claimed to be able to state “all” the flaws, or all of the strengths, of every single member of every delegation. That is simply beyond the scope of what we were able to do during the conference. We couldn’t be there every time a good debater did something stupid, or a bad debater did something exceptional either. You might think it was “vague” but we think it was sufficient to achieve our purpose: get a few laughs.
Do we take “pleasure” in being anonymous? Yes, actually. We hope it means that readers will wonder less about who is writing the words, and instead focus on the lols the words themselves are designed to create. We suspect you like being anonymous too, when the situation calls for it.
Message
“Are you aware that the Australian MUN Director gave some Lebanese delegates Vodka with Tabasco Sauce, which is torturous to the lungs.”
Our response
No, we were not aware. However, given the Australian Delegation’s reputation for being heavy drinkers this doesn’t surprise us all that much. Perhaps you should contact the offending MUN Director and complain to him that while you love free drinks, you only want to be able to choose what free drinks you receive. That seems fair enough to us.
Message
“With only 356 days until THIMUN 2013, I suggest you keep this blog going till then, since it is rather amusing.”
Our response
We’re flattered but this is not going to happen. In a couple of days we will cease posting on this blog. It may well be revived for next year’s conference, however.
Message
“I’d just like to say that if you are British, as I am fairly confident you are, that you give me pride in the fact that I too am British. The choice of Winston Churchill as the profile picture was inspired and appreciate your references to thoroughly British things (e.g The telegraph, NHS, and Inbetweeeners ‘Briefcase Wankers’) however i am slightly confused as to why you refer to trousers as ‘pants’- i can only assume that this is to throw us off the scent a little..?”
Our response
Your detective work is impressive, young Padawan, but you have much to learn about the ways of the Force. You have no way to distinguish between the equally likely possibilities that the use of British websites was either because we are British or because we wanted to appear to be British. But good try. We hope you’re enjoying reading the blog.
Message
“Hottest admins of THIMUN?”
Our response
This is a very difficult question. Because most of the conference was spent focusing on delegates and delegations we’re less well informed regarding the Admin staff than we would like. There were definitely some smoking hotties though. We would note that there were some very nice looking, and generally well dressed, note passers and/or Chairs in the Security Council, ECOSOC, Human Rights Commission, Special Conference, GA1, GA3 and GA6. The President of the General Assembly is also very pleasant to look at. She has such nice hair, for one.
Keep your questions coming. For a limited time only we will have answers.
* What does parody mean? See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parody
“Insert lame quote here.” Basically, while this isn’t to be our last story, we wanted to take the opportunity to answer some of the private messages that we’ve received. We’ll post the relevant messages in full and then answer them. All of the messages were submitted anonymously.
Message
“I don’t know about the other Australians, but the two in SC are a bunch of arrogant twats. It’s a shame they’re so good.”
Our response
While we were unable to see the Australian delegates on the Security Council, we’re prepared to take your word for it. The Australians are well known at THIMUN for employing an aggressive and arrogant style while both lobbying and speaking in committee. Then again, perhaps you’re just shit at MUN and should learn to stand up for yourself? It’s impossible for us to know. If you come back to THIMUN next year at least you’ll know to be ready.
Message
“You’re British right? Also, we really appreciate your blog, it makes THIMUN boring committee sessions much more interesting :) Are you going to continue next year as well??”
Our response
We may or may not be British, but people in places other than England have heard of Winston Churchill. We guarantee it. We’re glad you like the blog and agree entirely: some of the committee sessions were a complete waste of time. Some of the Chairs couldn’t control the debate or didn’t know the rules of procedure and some of the resolutions that were debated contained glaring factual inaccuracies. If the standard of debate stays so low, continuing next year would be easier. If it rises and we have to pay attention, it might be harder. We doubt it will get much better though.
Message
“I know who you are. Nice try.”
Our response
And we know what you are: fucking creepy. If you know who we are then out us to the world, we dare you. We double dare you. And we’re sorry but your claim just does not strike us as very credible when, even when messaging us anonymously and privately, you’re not prepared to state who you suspect we are. Toughen up or get out of the ring.
Message
“Can the Delegation of France please inform you that firstly there has been no plastic surgery at all. We’re honestly naturally gorgeous (with makeup on, you don’t want to see us in the mornings :). So suck it. and we would appreciate knowing who the supposed muppets and excellent debaters are for future THIMUN purposes. From France and 1 advisory panel and 1 press and 1 chair”
Our response
We will suck it. Please see the correction made to our previous story outrageously asserting you had all had plastic surgery. Honestly, we can’t list every member of the French Delegation and tell you who were good and who were bad. We didn’t see every member of that delegation speak. As the previous story notes, the statements made were generalisations.
However, it should be obvious from what we have published on this blog what we think you need to be good at MUN: research (the issues and your country’s position, UN bodies and international organisations), intellect (because stupid people are shit), confidence (because no one wants to listen to someone who speaks too fast, too slow or too quietly) and poise (the ability to compose yourself and provide sensible and substantive answers to points of information). This is just a summary but we feel it’s a good start.
One of our favourite speakers is John F Kennedy. Perhaps you might like his style.* Another great speaker was Margaret Thatcher. Perhaps you might like her style.**
These are different speeches in different types of forums but you get an idea of the essence of their speaking styles. If you want to imitate anyone you want to imitate a master, yes?
Anonymous messages and our response
We received some messages that included requests to keep them confidential. We appreciate your right to privacy and will respect it. Thank you for your messages.
Keep your questions coming. We have answers.
* This is part of Kennedy’s inaugural address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xE0iPY7XGBo
** This is part of a speech where Thatcher talks about the European Council: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2f8nYMCO2I
“With over 3,000 people carefully separated into rooms through out the World Forum, it can only be expected that [the] personalities of each room would soon develop.” And some of those personalities were completely mental. Rather than attempt to provide a guide to each room, as Ms Liu did in her article, we’re going to provide an alternative guide: this time to the worst, weirdest or wackiest delegations.
These comments are generalisations and won’t cover every member of a delegation.
Admin staff
These guys lacked sleep, skirts that covered their g-strings, sex and most of them were lacking something to do during the day. They were not lacking blood alcohol content. We bumped into one member of the Admin staff while on our way to committee and he was stoned. That’s just fucked. The scary part is his thought processes were still faster than most of the other Admin staff who we presumed to be sober.
Bhutan
They just wouldn’t stop quoting Buddha. This might come as a revelation to these delegates but Buddha is not a politician or a relevant figure in international relations. Stop quoting him. Never quote him again. Maybe contemplate his teachings while sitting on a peaceful hillock somewhere but not at THIMUN.
China
This delegation was inconsistent. Most of them were well researched but few of them had any speaking or lobbying skills to speak of. The result was that they tended to blow whatever way the prevailing wind in the room was blowing. Completely contradicting the thrust of China’s foreign policy in the real world, this delegation was meek and easy to manipulate.
Colombia
Not only did they have a number of crazy stalkers, one of their delegates was apparently giving out muscle relaxants. That is just bizarre. What are you, a rapist? Apparently they’re all getting drug tested when they get home because their school is worried about them. I would be too.
DPRK
Has no idea what a ‘point of order’ means or that their country has a foreign policy. As an earlier quote published on this blog demonstrates, at least one delegate thinks that the DPRK would agree with America. On anything. That is just not the case. Read a newspaper. Why are you at MUN?
France
This was reputedly one of the hottest delegations, perhaps it’s because they’re at one of the most exclusive girl’s schools in the world and have all had their daddy’s pay for plastic surgery.* What was weird about this delegation was that they were so inconsistent. Some of the delegates were strong in debate, others were complete muppets.
Lebanon
This delegation was made up of women who were tall and good looking and men who were short and not good looking. Potentially a bunch of kleptomaniacs, one delegate apparently stole the watch of a MUN Director. It is unknown whether this watch was ever, or will ever, be returned. We figure the way the Irish economy is looking at the moment they probably need the money so it sort of makes sense.
Israel
Renowned for being annoying. It appears that the delegates representing Israel thought they had carte blanche to be as crazy and abusive to anyone they wanted, especially to Palestine. This meant they often exceeded what any reasonable person would think was acceptable at a MUN. Tone it down next time.
Malta
These delegates were shocked that it was possible to get a country that was shitter than their home country of New Zealand. These guys turned out to be fairly consistent in debate, both in comprehension of the UN and in speaking ability. This is probably because they were selected from a national ballot of some description. Problematically for this faux claim to elitism, there were 16 of them and the selection process involved a grand total of 90 people.
Nauru
This delegation was generally regarded as being fairly good, except for their ambassador. That was the guy who got up in the plenary session of the GA and talked about melons. Are you a mental? Please. Educating women is vital and everyone knows it, even the Government of Nauru.**
Nigeria
Who are these guys? On the whole their delegates were not aware of Nigeria’s foreign policy, even in a general sense. What the hell. It’s all on the internet.
NGOs
These guys were the most angst-ridden bunch of all the delegates at THIMUN. Having no voting power, basically they just had to sit around with their fingers up their arses hoping that something good or something interesting would happen or that someone would listen to them. Mostly no one did. What shocked us was the frequency that NGOs appeared in resolutions as being able to solve all the world’s problems, far exceeding their roles or stated aims. Research. It’s not very hard.
Spain
Americans with strangely strict curfews and limited debating ability. On the plus side, there were hardly any boys and all the girls were very pretty, according to some sources.
South Africa
This delegation was strong in debate but weak at being friendly and respectful to the Admin staff, other delegates and Chairs. Also renowned for picking up. One Australian delegate was overheard saying very loudly and proudly at the final dance: “I have hooked up with so many bitches, they’re all so stupid.” You’re a wanker. Get a life. The only reason the other delegates seemed to like them was because they often had a better idea of what was going on than anyone else at the conference. Despite almost always being drunk in committee.
Zimbabwe
No idea what their country thought or how to behave. At one point they proposed an amendment in the Human Rights Commission to provide that any member state violating human rights would be subject to “severe punishment.” In a further ridiculous twist, Saudi Arabia also supported this amendment. These guys were regarded as creating coalitions of countries acting stupidly to trash debate. Not a good look.
* We’ve been reliably informed that none of the French delegation have had plastic surgery, but without make up painted on they are not very attractive.
** Nauru acceded to the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women on June 23, 2011: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Convention_on_the_Elimination_of_All_Forms_of_Discrimination_Against_Women
How to own the THIMUN dance
No doubt you’re all wondering what the THIMUN dance will be like and how you should behave. We trawled the internet this afternoon and found what we think is one of the best youtube videos on dancing. This guy is amazing. If you can dance like this, or can imitate it, you should. You will get all the (safe) sex. Literally all of it.
Watch and learn.
It has come to the attention of this blog that the nephew of Julia Gillard, prime minister of Australia, is at THIMUN. According to our source, he sits on GA6 committee. And he must be worth at least 100 points.
“Hachoo! I need to get a tissue. Was it in the front pocket? What is all this stuff?” You’ve just had unprotected sex and those are genital warts. A doctor is going to have to chemically burn them off your privates. Congratulations. “Got sick. Missed the bus. Walked home soaking wet. Drank some guy’s coke!” And now you’ve got herpes in your mouth. You’re a winner.
We’re at a conference where everyone drinks all night, hardly gets any sleep and then can’t nap during the day for fear of being stomped by a MUN Director. Is it surprising that everyone is getting a cold? No. Is it sort of funny? Yes. What’s funnier is the rest of the story: sexually transmitted infections (STIs). They are the real Hague plagues. While most national health services provide a database that provides information on STIs,* this blog felt it was necessary to highlight one in particular: chlamydia.
This is the stalker in the night of STIs because it has no visible symptoms on your body and sometimes no noticeable symptoms at all. For all the ladies (and gents, we suppose) it can feel similar to a urinary tract infection so you might not realise that you have it. Then again, it is also colloquially described as feeling like razor blades coming out of your vagina or penis when you piss so if you start to experience that you should definitely do something about it.
There are three types of STIs: bacterial (which can mostly be cured with antibiotics), viral (some of which cannot be cured, like herpes) and parasitic (these can normally be cured as well).
Fortunately, chlamydia is a bacterial STI. It is easily detected with a urine test and can be cured using antibiotics.
So, have you had unprotected sex recently? Are your privates feeling a bit different than usual? Is your current sexual partner known for their sexual exploits? If so, get tested. You’d be an idiot not to: untreated chlamydia can leave you infertile. And only have safe sex, make sure your THIMUN slutting experience is a fun one.
* See here, for example: http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/stis/pages/stis-hub.aspx
